Pain Addiction

Recently I asked myself these questions.  “Am I addicted to my pain?”  and “Do I believe that miracles are a reasonable expectation for my life?”  These questions have been some of the basis for what I can only describe as my awakening.  The answers to them have brought me to a place of contemplation and have coerced me to bask inside the shelter of God’s easy and perfect grace.  I do not tread lightly upon these contemplations as I recognize that the process of answering their call on my life will come with its own share of sorrows.  The difference however, is the acceptance that I am all that I have been created to be.

When I tentatively began to dance with the question regarding my pain I found the answers somewhat disturbing as I had to admit that, perhaps, I do have some narcissistic tendencies.  I believe that it is one thing to embrace pain – pain is a part of life and we cannot escape it however, to think that I am addicted to pain is disconcerting.  Do I engage in some form of “psychological cutting” using as my sharp razors, my fears, my doubts and my feelings of worthlessness?  It is entirely possible that I continue to cut, to re-open and to re-bleed my wounds.  This type of behaviour would certainly explain why I have such a long memory when it comes to several painful moments in my life.  It would explain why I often continue to circle around the same wound laying the blame for my attitudes and behaviours at the person or situation that has caused me the greatest pain. 

I do not relinquish those painful moments to God to care for, to soothe or to comfort.  It is, sometimes, I believe easier to find pity and comfort for oneself in the pain.  Pity can, temporarily mind you, but it can provide some soothing relief.  I think of that relief much like a baby`s pacifier – used by mothers to soothe their baby`s hunger and to prolong the time until the next feeding.  When it is used, both mother and baby have just a few moments of peace.  It is a temporary solution, for eventually the pacifier will be spit out and the cries for the soothing and calming effects of suckling while receiving nutrition will not be able to go unanswered.

I have so long lived in my pain and approached life from my weaknesses.  They have often been the bread and butter of my existence and because of this I have consistently pushed down, hidden or ignored who I am.  I was under the impression, however misguided it may  have been, that I did not deserve what God created me to be;  His miracle.

Miracles are and should be my life’s milk.  The effects and expectation of miracles should provide for me the soothing balm for my pain.  Who am I to not accept from my Creator that I deserve what He has provided for me?  Am I not a creature of God, created in His perfect image?  Did He not count the hairs on my head and order the days of my life?  Did He not sacrifice so that I could commune and exist with Him?  I need to stop choosing my pain.  I need to stop separating myself from what God has called me to be.  Fear and pain are not my friends – while it can be comfortable in the sense that they are both familiar they do not allow me to embrace light or love.  I choose instead, to relinquish my hold on my desire to hurt and I choose to seek out and expect miracles.  I choose to accept the miracles that God has for me as He continuously reminds me of who I am – a beautiful, talented and loving person.   

4 Comments

  1. Dear Beautiful, Talented & Loving Tonya…
    Another incredible heartfelt blog! You write from your soul, therefore my own spirit perks up to your honest and raw words. I have been witnessing your spiritual transformation and awakening to choose the embrace of God’s Love. What an incredible gift to see the miracles that God has been performing! It certainly makes life so much richer and deeper than you alone could create. Thank God you’ve come this far and are blossoming on this journey. You are His conduit and your magnificence is His Love in physical form. Keep on this miraculous path, I’m relishing in your soul’s evolvement! LN 🙂

  2. Wow !

  3. Anonymous

    that was written beautifully, has made me think.

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