On Mirrors, Truths and Breaks

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I’ve lost my way.  Again.

Lately I’ve been struggling with how Christ is my everything and my enough.

Now before you start worrying, would you sit right here beside me and hold my hand while I explain something to you?

I’m not very good at accepting truth.  Doubt has long been my posture and when I look in the mirror I often see a person that I don’t want to be.  I see someone with weight issues and self esteem issues.  All of it just excess baggage that I carry on my physical frame and in my heart – like a ball and chain that I can’t shake loose. 

I’m quick to judge myself, hold a measuring stick up against my reflection and conclude the  inches just aren’t there.  That if I tried harder or was better at putting my mind to something I could:

Acquire more
Be more
Accomplish more
Achieve more 

I listen with such ease to so many other voices.  The ones offering me happiness steeped in conditions.  Lies that hiss and grate and make me run circles around success yet never achieving an ounce of it.

All of this racket has been so loud that when I find myself in solitude, when I “dare” as Nouwen puts it, “to stand in the presence of God,” and He whispers “Beloved” to my soul, I don’t believe Him. 

Hear me on this.  When God, the Creator of all things, the one who sacrificed His only son, the one who flings the stars far and wide and tells the oceans where to make their shores, calls me Beloved – I don’t believe Him. 

Somewhere along the way I have clung too tightly to what the world perceives as success.

I continue to strive, and push and reach and achieve – as if I could somehow make God love me more. 

What’s even more startling about my inability to see myself as Beloved is the impact it has on my ability to engage in community.  The very nature of Christ in me is meant to recognize the nature of Christ in you.

If I won’t accept my title as Beloved, Child of God, Daughter of the King, how can I possibly see you as His Beloved as well?

We are incapable of meeting our own needs.  Truth!

Trying to fulfill our needs in our own strength builds walls.  Truth!

And these walls of self-sufficiency we build dim the light of Christ in us. Truth! 

“In Christ we live as God’s beloved before we were born and after we have died; all the circumstances in between will not negate that.”  – Henri Nouwen

I have made an idol of my space here.  {cringe}

Somewhere along the way I have lost the desire to serve God with my words and write only for myself.

I broke when I realized this, and for several days I have struggled with the notion of being quiet here.  I have struggled with creating a Sabbath in this space.  

What if people never come back?  What if I never write another word?  What if the on-line community I love so much leaves me? 

I can’t even see these words as I type because the tears are too heavy, but they come with the realization that I need rest.

I need to refocus my reflection so that it’s not me I see in the mirror but Christ in me. 

Can I ask here friends that you pray for me?  Can I ask that you come and hold my hand because I am more scared than I have ever been since I started blogging two years ago.  Can I ask that you come beside me and help me find Christ in the centre of my being again?

“Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”  Psalm 46:10 NASB

As I move to a time of reflection and solitude this space will be silent.  My hope and my prayer is to return August 1st and write solely and completely for Him, as an act of worship, not an act of self-service.

I love you all dearly.

Thank you for grace.  

Thank you for prayers. 

 

 


13 Comments

  1. Give it to Jesus, friend. Get quiet and then come back. We’ll wait. Love to you as you enter a season of stillness before Jesus.

  2. Sarah

    I understand this completely. Just today I thought, “maybe I’ll take the whole month of August away from the blog.”

    We will be waiting. And praying!

  3. (I just grabbed your hand). I’m sitting with you. I understand. My baby birdie is struggling with some of the same things you are struggling with. No matter what I say, the lies of the accuser are deafening. And so all I can do is hold her hand and let her know that she is loved (you are, too).

  4. Praying and holding your hand sweet friend. And this online community? We get just this. We’ll be waiting for you in August. Rest well.

  5. Gayle

    A friend of mine would call this ‘going underground’. We’ll wait for you to emerge again.

  6. Lifting you up, Teresa…praying for God to meet you in this time of rest and reflection. Believing He will. Knowing your heart is in the right place and He always honors those who honor Him. We will be here when you return…blessings, friend! xoxo, Meredith

  7. Tonight I lift you up in prayer to our sweet Heavenly Father as I hold your hand. I pray that He give you peace, comfort and wisdom iin the weeks to. I also pray that you know those He wants in your life will be here waiting when you return and even waiting offline if you feel the need to reach out sooner. Love ya girl.

  8. I am standing here with you friend. I am currently on break as well from my blog, and I know the fears and the facts that numbers dwindle when we are not present….but taking this break, it is a necessary thing. Praying that He draws you ever closer to Him so that you can walk in the fullness and the freedom of who God says you are, and you no longer let the mirror of this world define you again.

  9. Take this break, dear Tonya. Spend sweet time with our Lord. It will be worth it, whatever happens.

  10. Praying! And love this space, so hope God can help you see it in the right way. I bet it will take learning again and again. At least…it does for me. 🙂 <3

  11. Oh, friend!! I feel your words 100%!! My social media break has been hard but good… but I’m really missing my online community! Praying that God give you rest and can’t wait to have you back again!!

  12. Sweet Tonya, I think that God knows our hearts…and I think you are so not alone in this, I have recognized this, and had to lay down my idol more than once. He is faithful. No, I mean really…He loved us when we were wretched sinners, He knows how we are wired, wired us! He is loving you where you are and will bring you to that proper place of worshiping Him, glorifying Him, and resting in Him. Sending you love in the mail…soon! 😉

  13. I just found you and here you are putting pen to paper writing my heart’s cry. Take your rest and rest in HIM and you WILL come back knowing who you really are and what you really are to be doing. I’ll be happy to see you when you return.

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