Moments in Motherhood

My friend wrote a book recently.  One that filled in the cracks of this mama’s heart.  Someone finally put words to what I never spoke out loud.  Someone gave a voice to my fears, my perceived failures and all of what I thought was inadequate in my mothering.

Someone put words to my wounds and then God used her words and covered them in a healing grace. 

Yesterday was Mother’s Day and for most of my 20 years at this mothering gig I have celebrated this day with a smile that hid the fear that beat rapid because I was certain I had messed up my kids. But this year was different.

The yelling, the screaming, the door slamming and the hot and angry tears that flowed as freely and easily as the poop, and the puke and the snot must have, at some point, had an impact on  my kids – and not in the good way.

But in the past year I’ve learned and I’m still learning, that mothering isn’t about what you did to perfection, it’s about the fact that you did!  It’s about putting one foot in front of the other every single morning and pressing your knees into the floor at the end of every day.

So yesterday when I got this sweet email from my 20 year old daughter it was like a whisper from God…

“Daughter, you are my child and I have loved you like you’ve loved this child – wildly and without abandon. I have given you the grace of a Saviour – YOU are a great mom! ” 

Hi Mommy!

How blessed I am to get to call you that. I know I’m not the greatest at calling or texting or emailing or communicating in general but I am always thinking of you, always thanking God for you. Not only did you feed me, and clothe me and survive temper tantrums but you showed me what it is to be strong, independent, but also weak and humble before the Saviour. You taught me to dream big and then to chase them, but also to submit those dreams to God and trust in his provision.

I know you have felt that in the past that you are doing things out of order or that you are too late, and you worry about mistakes made, but we both know this is His timing. I am so thankful that unlike other mothers and daughters we get to discover a lot of things at the same time. We get to experience university together, chase our dreams together, find our identity in Him together and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

You inspire me Mom. You inspire me to persevere through the struggles and to revel in the moments of peace and joy. We have had our moments of butting heads and I certainly put you through a lot of anxiousness but you never ever stopped believing in me. And I will never stop believing in you. I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t have you for a Mother.

I love you more and more everyday – Mikayla 

This mothering gig?  It’s hard.  It’s crazy, stupid hard.  Even though I’ve felt beat-up, dragged down and less than Hallmark perfect I wouldn’t do one thing different, not one thing different if it meant I wouldn’t experience the sweetest grace of my daughter’s words. 

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