How Could it Be?

I’ve been on speaking terms again with God these past ten months.  It’s been a long journey, this return to conversation, this coming back to God.   Coming back to rest in the joy of Him because He has heard my anguished cry (Psalm 31).   God, the keeper of promises and time and forgiveness, has waited for me to listen, to hear when He whispered, “Nevertheless, that time of darkness and despair will not go on forever” (Isaiah 9:1 NLT).  So, here I am in a time of joy, a time of healing and restoration and I am left wondering, what do I do now?

A fellow sister blogged about it when she asked the question here, “What do we do when God shows up?”   And I came up short, my heart skittering to a stop because it dawned on me that this was my unspoken question, finally given a voice.  What do I do?  I have no precedence for these tender moments with God.  No memories on which to base my acceptance of love and JOY. 

So what do I do?  

My past would dictate that I would run, because how could God possibly mean this for me?  How could He possibly mean for me to have all that He has intended? So I would run.  I would run and in my path would lay the bloody remnants of relationships, the hearts of those who stood by me, walked with me through fire.  I would run and in my wake I would leave a trail of tears, a tornado of emotion that left those I was closest to reeling from its impact.  I would run because how could it be, at the end of this narrow path, how could it be that God “has through His mighty power at work within us… accomplish[ed] infinitely more than we might ask or think” (Ephesians 3:20)?  How could it be that this is for me?  Self-sabotage would consume me and relationships forged over time would melt under the heat of my disbelief.

So, in this moment, this time when God has finally shown me that my past does not have to dictate my future and I have accepted that, what do I do? 

I worry and I rush and I close my fist tight around all of those dreams beating strong in my heart.

I rush.  I race and hurry because I want all that God has for me and if I don’t hurry I will miss something important.

I must plan and make lists, count dollars and hoard ideas.   I am like the horse in the race, with the blinders on his eyes so as not to become distracted.

But isn’t my flight from distraction the very thing that drives me to distraction?

Isn’t my singular focus on what God is going to do in my life, driving me from the how of it?  

And just last week, right there under my shoulders was the tight of anxiety and worry and rushing, right there poking and making me uncomfortable.  It wasn’t until a friend whispered, “it’s not yours, not yours to carry” and with those words the tears finally came and I could feel all of that tension, that knot, release into knee bending grace.

All of it.  The narrow paths, the joys, the moments of heart stopping pain, it is all for His glory.  It is all for His intended purpose.

In my impatience, my prayers and petitions drown in a sea of ambition as I am driven to explore all that God has for me.  In my impatience, I rush and don’t listen.  In my impatience, I try and move ahead of God and I forget. 

I forget to praise.  I forget thanksgiving.  I forget joy.  I forget that “with His love, He will calm all your fears.  He will exult over you by singing a happy song” (Zephaniah 3:17).  Exult.  He exults, rejoices exceedingly, He sings over me. I forget to open my palms to receive grace. 

For everything comes from Him and exists by His power and is intended for His glory. All glory to Him forever! Amen.(Romans 11:36)

7 Comments

  1. This resonates deeply with me.
    Why do we keep following this pattern:
    “In my impatience my prayers and petitions drown in a sea of ambition as I am driven to explore all that God has for me. In my impatience I rush and don’t listen. In my impatience I try and move ahead of God and I forget. “

    at least why do I?

    and this:
    “But isn’t my flight from distraction the very thing that drives me to distraction?”

    Oh, what a human struggle.

    Thank you for sharing so honestly here.

    Many Blessings,
    Maria

    • It is a human struggle, this lowering of ourselves for the goodness that he has for us. Prayers for you today Maria… prayers and hugs.

  2. You’re an incredible writer. Just discovering your blog. Keep writing!! xoxo

  3. I was finally able to get over here and read. I have felt the rush of the past few week’s craziness and I am just waiting for a time to come up for air. This—> Release into knee bending grace. YES! We strive, don’t we? When we should be sinking to our knees. Love this, thanks so much for all your encouragement in my space and thank you for your friendship. Journeying right along with you, friend.

    • Alia,

      So glad, so very glad that you are home safe and hugging your babes. And thank you so much friend for taking the time to meet with me here and doing life with me.

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