Gracious Favour

There are days when my minutes are chewed up with a quiet struggle.  The struggle of trying to capture the heart of God and instead of thanksgiving I have let my past creep forward and usurp my joy. 

I am tired.  Tired of this constant thorn in my side.  Tired of the waiting and wondering when the shadows of my fear will strike next.

I am tired of trying to plaster the bravado of a false smile across my face.  Tired of being “fine.”

Fine is no longer good enough.

I have to believe that God wants more than FINE from me and for  me.  I. Just. Have. To. Believe.

Sunday, during connection time at church I stayed seated.  Trying desperately to pretend that I had melted into my seat, as if I didn’t exist.

Eyes forward.  Don’t engage.  And whatever you do, do NOT make eye contact.  With anyone.

God however, in all of His wisdom and much to my chagrin and ever embarrassing horror had other plans.

A member of my small group sought me out.  She intentionally came around the row of chairs in front of me and looked me in the eye and asked: “How are you?”

Oh I tried.  I tried to wear stoic.  I tried to stiffen my chin and make my lips turn into a some version of a stony smile.  But none of that happened.

I was just so tired of FINE.

Instead I gave in to the tears leaving tracks on my cheeks and my quivering chin and trembling lips.  Instead I gave into the no, I’m not fine and blurted “It’s not a good day,”  before I could even think about the words – they left my mouth.

And right there in the midst of my “not okay’ came the holiest moment of my week.  Right there in the middle of my  petulance and selfishness, my ego and my pride came a shoes-off wonder that changed the course of my day.

My friend, she wrapped her arms around me and drew me into an embrace and I let all of that “I’m fine” release into  I need Jesus.

Her presence – her perfect God-timed presence reminded me that His grace is enough -ALWAYS.

So it really was no surprise to me when I awoke to my devotions the next day that I would read about Paul’s own thorn in His second letter to the Corinthians and catch these words – catch them and bind them to me like a lifeline

                Three different times I begged the Lord to take it way.  Each time He said “My gracious favour is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:8
 
His gracious favour.

His gracious favour.

His gracious favour.

And it’s become my mantra, because really…?

 Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus instead of “I’m fine.”

Give me His favourinstead of “I’m okay.”

Give me the sweet holiness of a God-timed hug instead of my stoic and stiff upper lip.

His gracious favour is ALL I need.


8 Comments

  1. Tonya
    Bless your fear-filled heart.
    I can relate so much to all you say.
    Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability x

  2. Oh girl… a well- (God-) timed hug is just the BEST! I can’t wait to do it in person – but I am oh so thankful that there are those inrl for you – to lift you and pull you close and draw you back in to His Presence… His More Than Enough… His Grace! Love you, friend!

  3. Tonya,I wish we could sit together face to face so I could tell you just exactly how much your sweet words have meant to me today. I read your post early this morning, again at lunch and now here again in late afternoon. It has taken me that long to be able to join you in saying, “I’m not fine today.” However, also you have reminded me who is my Comforter and that His gracious favour is all I need. Thank you for opening you heart to be used by Him as an encouragement.

  4. Anonymous

    I think we can be “not fine” together and be just fine since we are in His presence together. That is grace and it is beautiful!
    Blessings
    Heather
    40YearWanderer

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