Five Minute Friday – True

 Linking up with Lisa-Jo  today for Five Minute Friday.  Disclaimer: It’s been a bit of a  raw day, I’ll leave it at that.  But can I just whisper here, the women who write  with me on Fridays, they are all kinds of brave and beautiful, won’t you take a minute to read some of their loveliness  here?

It’s Five Minute Friday.  My favourite post of the week and I’m here in tears.  Wet is dripping down my cheeks and I am furiously brushing the accursed things off of my face.  I don’t want to cry.  I’ve cried exactly three times already today.

I’ve read words today that have made my insides cringe.  Not because the words glowing on my screen were mean or nasty. They were just the opposite.  They were grace and mess and beautiful and each one was like an arrow sharpened just for my heart.

I read today about truth and honesty, I read about insecurities and belonging and I cringed because there are words that my soul needed to see and let me tell you that my soul is not exactly a breeding ground for grace and peace right now.

There is ugly there that smears what ever words I type on this screen into a blackened mess of self and pride.  And my heart aches for all that I left in this world of words that have been for little more than my own good.  My heart actually folds in over on itself when I wonder how I got to this place of being something I never wanted to be, something other than what He intended for me to be.

And as I’m typing these words I’m thinking of a friend who just minutes ago said that perhaps for this season there are things you need to let go.  And I think, God, is this it? This writing, these words, this furious tapping on keys is this what you would have me let go?  Have I truly been holding letters in a tightly closed fist because of some misplaced pride.   Some do good attitude that mimics and plays at having it all together.

Pride that has eschewed grace and tramped right through the blood soaked soil at the foot of the cross.  The blood that dripped red salvation down the body of the Saviour.  Really?  These words, this space, is this what it has come to?  A pedestal for my pride.

And the tears they come in earnest now as kindness bends my knees in repentance, because if this is truly what I uncover in my heart may I pack up my iPad and may cobwebs fill this corner because I want what is true.

More than comments or Facebook friends or Followers, more than accolades or pats on the back I want truth.

The messy, I’m having a crappy day kind of truth.  Truth that has me cramming to prepare for 12 dinner guests with little more than jarred spaghetti sauce and a pitcher of water.  I want the truth that bleeds and cries and runs my heart ragged and convicted.

This is the truth I want.  The kind that has me heaving sobs on my kitchen floor and begging repentance from lips.  May I be blinded by truth so that my eyes seek nothing else.


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