Five Minute Friday – Mercy

I can’t believe another week has gone by.  I feel like it was just yesterday that I was here writing about RED.  The first week of school has pretty much done me in but I wouldn’t miss Five Minute Friday for much of anything.  Won’t you join me over at Lisa-Jo Baker’s to read some awesome bravery.

Word is: MERCY

GO!

I am at my wits end.  My patience has dried up weary and left me wrung out and hung up wet with tired.

I’m living my dream. The very thing that I wanted more than anything else and one week in I’m battling a never ending stream of consciousness that is whispering failure at every turn. My eyes are crossed from words on a page that, by days end, are all jumbled together.  My nights this week have been full of sleeplessness as I can’t seem to shut off the movie reel in my head, so afraid that I might lose all that I have received through lectures and journal articles.

I’m one week in and I’m begging for mercy.

What if I can’t do this.  What if I don’t have what it takes to keep up at this pace?  And I’ve heard the platitudes all week but this fear is real.  It’s deep down in my bones real and by the end of today I’m wiping furiously at tears because there’s part of my brain that is screaming “I told you so!”

I’m one week in and I’m begging for mercy.

My head knows I can do this. It knows that I have yet to fail a single course but somehow the stakes feel higher, insurmountably so. Is it because of what I’ve sacrificed, what my family has sacrificed to get me to this place?  Am I floundering in these thoughts because the idea of failure means that I will let so many people down?

I’m one week in and I’m begging for mercy.

But here is what I know…

I know that I am not alone.  When I first gave a voice to this God-sized dream, when I first laid it out there in black and white and asked Him to show me the way I had countless people come up and surround me with so much love and support, and I am overwhelmed by the depths of their care.  I am undone by the hand of friendship and the much needed space to sort my way through this and find my rhythm.  I am so grateful for the love of so many who have helped shed my fear of failure to be replaced with the desires of my heart.  Friends, who have pointed me to Him with encouragement that has helped to open the eyes of my heart.

I am just now realizing that I have had mercy in my sights all week…

So perhaps I’ll stop begging for it now and simply surrender and ask Him for more.

STOP!


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