Five Minute Friday – Afraid

I wrote about fear just yesterday.  About its visciousness and its feral bite.  And I am often wrapped in fear that strangles and chokes.  Fear that has me always second guessing, always rethinking, always self-doubting

Oh, I have a lot of bravado, a lot of humour (at least I think I do), and a lot of chest puffed, stand up straight, “I’m a-Okay.”  But really beneath the surface, beneath the frenetic of bravado there is a river of fear that rages wildly through my belly, that brings me circling back, again and again and yes even AGAIN to my doubt. 

And bravado?  It’s not really a good thing, this “chin-up” mentality.  It leaves us stranded and alone and coming back to the place of fear, circling around our mistakes and failures and in some analytical way we try and undo what’s already been done.  We live ours lives in the past and the dreamland of “I can fix this” a form of organized chaos.  

What if?  What if we could crack ourselves open and lay bare our souls?  What if we could unzip our hearts and let our fears see the light of day?  What if we could find our way clear through the raging waters of doubt to see that God has given us people as a life raft? What if we could see that aunthenticity is a two way street?  A posture of knee bending grace not only when our friends need a steady ear or a freverent prayer but the knee bending lament that our own souls crave.   Why do we come so easily into other people’s heartbreak to lend a voice, an ear, a hug and yet very rarely, if at all, release ourselves to the ministry of others?

I know for me, the past often dictates my future and my past has been a battleground where hopes and dreams lay in bloody ruins from the sharpened rapiers of other’s actions and words.  But to watch true authenticy, this give and take, where God is doing all the giving and the taking and we are but open vessels?  It is a marvel and a dream that beats like a heartbeat inside of my chest.

And I read it in Romans just this week – in one of the three chapters that I’m memorzing “I thank my God for all of you through Jesus Christ because your faith is being reported all over the world.”  (Romans 1: 8).  And it dawned on me – these people in my life that walk beside me whether in person or on the other side of this screen – they are God’s purpose for me to learn authenticity – to learn the value of give and take and to give again.  Their faith is what brings me back to the shore of  soul-saving grace.

They are God’s pathways out of a life of fear.  Fear of failure, fear of abandonment and fear of messing up. YOU – yes you reading this, are God’s whisper to a weary soul that I am His, that I am cherished and that I need not fear.

***Linking-up with Lisa-Jo Baker today.  This was a tough one, but I loved every minute of the 5 (okay maybe 7) that I spent on it.***


21 Comments

  1. yeah … it was a tough assignment, but it sounds like something that many of us continue to walk through, to wrestle with … and good to have it on the table!

  2. what a touching post babe, I had to read it a few times and began to cry. I am all set for today and can’t wait to tackle what today brings.

  3. This resonated so much with me….”Why do we come so easily into other people’s heartbreak to lend a voice, an ear, a hug and yet very rarely, if at all, release ourselves to the ministry of others?”

    Beautiful words!!

    • On Thank you Kristin – I think we all struggle with this connecting and laying bare our hearts – praying for you today friend that God will bring people along your path to minister to you!

  4. This is so good. The past hurts from bearing our souls make us afraid to bare our soul again. I missed the party last night…too tired. And I was happy to see we are memorizing Romans together πŸ™‚

    • So glad you are here friend… I missed you last night and I went to sleep thinking…”Nataline- I didn’t see Nataline” – And it’s so true isn’t – this taking a step to reach out when we need to and being afraid that we’ll be hurt. Praying for you today friend… And I too am glad that we are walking Romans together.

  5. Touch my heart!! I loved this!! What if we could crack open ourselves and lay bare our souls!! Unzip our hearts and let our hearts see the light!! Thank you for everything!! Love you!!

    • Friend? So glad to see your smiling face. And thank you! Your encouragement, your words? There are no words to express how much they mean to me πŸ™‚

  6. First off, it was a joy to chat with you a bit at the FMF Party last night!
    I don’t know where to start with a response to this post!!! Oh, my word!! So much truth, so beautifully written, so compelling! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I love this idea of authenticity and your post is the 2nd one that I have read today about this idea of give and take and of our need to be filled by Him. I think God might be trying to impress something on my heart…
    Thankful for you and for this community that surrounds us!

    • I too am so thankful that God has brought me to this welcoming community, where I daily feel His love… Thank you for your words here. Whispering your name in God’s ear today – that He will show you His purpose in all of this. {Hugs}

  7. My favorite of yours so far! LOVE this! That paragraph on What If… oh my! And this community of authentic All-In Lovers of Him – what an honor to be a part! Bless you, friend!

    • Oh thank you friend! I too am so honoured to be in such comapny – humbles me daily. Your words of encouragement mean so much. Missed you last night… I’ve got your post open and ready to read at my next 5 minute break! Can. Not. Wait. {Hugging you}

  8. I second what Becky said. There is so much here to dig into and wrestle with within myself. What stood out the most to me was that we are eager to minister to others bit not give them the privilege of doing the same for us. We both lose out. Much to think about lady! Thank you.

    • I struggle with this almost daily Amy – allowing others to lift me up… God is teaching me so much about what it means to be in community – what it means to “do life” with others despite the pain of past hurts. Thank you so much for stopping here and leaving a comment – I am so blessed by you ladies every single week.

    • So glad you’ve joined us!

  9. Tonya, this is exquisite! And how you’ve blessed me today. I love how you speak of the struggle to be real and the blessing of two-way authenticity, sister. Thank you for preaching it with passion and assurance, while telling the truth about yourself. We ARE God’s pathways out of a life of fear….yes!

    • Ashley – thank you so much for your words. They are such an encouragement to me. I cannot even begin to describe how this community has blessed me. God is so good and I am learning through Him when to reach out and when to draw near.

  10. Wow. So beautiful Tonya. Thank you for baring your soul here today. I can relate so much to what you have said in your post. The over analyzing of what is and what was and what could be can be paralyzing. May we lay our fears to rest, dear friend.

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