When did I stop believing?   When did I stop knowing that this good God that I serve protects, cherishes and cares?  When did I stop waiting expectantly for miracles?  When did I choose to wander the desert of dissatisfaction and not enough?  When did I stop believing?

I remember a time in the life of our little family when all that we had to offer Him was hardship and trouble.

At every turn we asked the questions of provision and every day we turned the questions heavenward and waited.  Expectant. 

A grocery list and $125.  Two hungry babies in diapers filled my arms and life felt full. My wallet was empty but my palms were turned upward ready to receive.   A list of impossibility and $125, a reminder of all that He can do pressed deep in my back pocket, an offering to God and the expectancy of miracles.

Oh the boldness with which I marched through aisles of the Zehr’s market filling my cart with provisions, blessings, sustenance and need.   The confidence of serving a good God flashed in my eyes as I approached the register and placed every item crossed off the list onto the belt.  The tears that shined watching the total grow, and grow, and GROW.  My chin trembling as doubt pulsed strong in my heart.   Oh, the exalted breath that left my lungs, the gasp right through all that doubt, when my eyes focused on $124.99, the total. 

The total and complete miracle.

When did I stop expecting this of the good God?  When did I forget about God’s care?  He has provided and yet I “still do not understand” (Isaiah 1:3), I still forget.

When did my grip on doubt strangle the palm-open-lightness of faith? 

My blindness came not from the unseen or the unknown but from all that I could see right in front of me – all of what I clenched with fists closed tight – mine.   There was no returning to God what has only ever belonged to Him (Malachi 4) – just a stubborn refusal to relinquish.  In that closed fist, a faint faith struggled to find purchase,  to awaken to the expectancy of miracle. 

Imagine my family now, struggling to find faith when at this moment we are surrounded by abundance. Can we rest in the “confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen…?” Can we ever get to the place where we will search for truth in the “…evidence of things we cannot yet see” (Hebrews 11:1)?

Yes!  It is His promise to love us and to provide for us and there is the constant assurance that “God can be trusted to keep His promise” (Hebrews 10:23). 

As a family, this day, during this testing of faith we “take a new grip with… tired hands and stand firm on… shaky legs”(Hebrews 12:12) as we come to this newness of faith and a trust in God’s promise to “open the windows of heaven” and “pour out blessing so great.” (Malachi 4:10)


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