Behind the Scenes – Spring Walk

crystalstine.meIt’s Tuesday and that means we’re talking about pictures and the story behind the scenes.  Crystal Stine is our lovely host and I just love getting these small glimpses into peoples lives.  Won’t you join us for Behind the Scenes?

The Photo

It was a lovely spring day.  The end of April. The sky was a glorious cobalt blue, none of the trappings of hot and hazy had yet to surface.  There were no humidex or air quality advisories, just warm sun and life peeping up through every nook and crevice.

It was a perfect day for a walk. 

What you can’t see in this picture is that I was supposed to be a work.  It was a Monday and I did not have a scheduled holiday.  When my alarm went off that morning I could not put my feet on the floor.  I just did not have what it took to take one step after another and go to my job.

I live with the constant companions (and reminders) of depression and anxiety.  There are days when, and I wrote about here, my mind hurts.  Days when my heart beats wild with anxiety and the thought of moving beyond my front door requires more effort than I possess.

I sent a quick email off to my boss that morning.  Part of me wanted to lie.  To say I had a migraine, but part of me was tired of lies.  So I sent him the truth.  “I just can’t today.  I am incapable of doing my job.  I just can’t.” At 10 AM I finally sat on the edge of my bed and tried to give myself a pep talk.  Tried to snap out of whatever was on my mind.  I grabbed my bible, my journal and I tried.

I tried with my hair looking wildly for a comb, my breath rank and stale, my pyjama’s wrinkled with a coffee stain on the sleeve to bring some semblance of order to the raging chemical storm that was happening in my brain.  And, just there in the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of my camera, and somewhere underneath the fog of depression came the thought that I hadn’t even picked up my camera in quite some time.

I’m not sure I can tell you how it all came to be.  How I managed to climb into the shower and blow dry my hair.  I can not even tell you how I was able to make the 30 minute drive to the Conservation Area. But I did.

I did.

And as the sun beat down on my shoulders and warmed that knot of anxiety that had settled somewhere between my shoulder blades I received the email reply from my boss.  The one with whom I had braved the truth.  And his understanding was like the breaking down of the dam.  And the tears they came and watered the spring grass and for the first time that day I breathed deeply.

I look back on that day and recall how there was freedom in my surrender.  How giving a voice to a very dark moment actually brought it to the light of day.  It reminded me that I am whole – even with my sometimes broken mind – I am whole in the One who died to make me whole.

I went to work the next day.  Went to work knowing that I had braved the ugly truth and that God had not left me.

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